Out of Place

You can still hear the ache that lives behind you. Hold on, it won’t catch up with you, because you always pull  yourself back into place. It was once your longest journey, and now you’ve breathed as though you’ve never imagined all that you could release. Don’t listen. I will tell you something—after all this time, there are memories still pull me out of place, vividly alive, ignoring too many questions. How sweet those moments were when they were created—but if you’ve ever discovered a reality you knew was never that to begin with, the could have been haunts you, even though it was far too make believe to have ever actually occurred. Illusions are enticing…they offer escape. Stay beside me, don’t be drawn in by the comfort you find in avoiding looking directly into the light.

 

There is a coldness you feel…with or without that ache. You’re inhaling, and yet you’re suffocating. As I grow older, there are many days it only becomes harder not to look behind me. I become increasingly shaky of heart, trying not to give in to the hopelessness that sometimes seems to tear away gently at my shadow. Because I know how time has saved me and abandoned me all at once, I encourage myself to at the very least, begin somewhere. To let all these thoughts and feelings find words in order to restrain my heart from where it wants to recklessly wander.

I was once a dreamer without preamble, a soul who refused to see limits. This is different now, as my body and mind tire a little more easily than before. Not knowing exactly where I’m going makes me long for those should have been forgotten days. I wish the circles in my mind would veer off in all kinds of beautiful different directions like they used to.

I hope you are able to envision peace somewhere alongside your ache, though right now, it may feel almost entirely elusive. This is my prayer that when vulnerable, we don’t have to fall.

There are hours within each day I feel helpless within the ache. I know what I need most is to face the light, even though I expect it to shatter.

Take a breath with me…and we will slowly gather up these fragments…   

 

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Deepest Point

I watch this blood fall effortlessly

You are such an invasive memory;

Why do choking thoughts die

then come alive for me?

 

I beg this daylight to fade

to die carelessly with my heart beat

for these skies are far too high—

I no longer stand strong within those sights

 

I remember crying, though not enough of the pain

Rather recall the smiling, comfortable side of time

I hear the holding of shallow breath

and I break to abandon the sound  

 

I find the waves of darkness effortlessly

You are deceivingly daunting for a dream

Why does my heart hold to shame

hold this old bruised love before me

right at the deepest point of pain?

Carrie Gilbert 2018