Note: This post reflects how I am feeling today. In that sense, it is a mood and not necessary a certainty.
I used to believe in something akin to a fairytale. No, I never need taken care of or rescued from anything. My life has taught me the irreplaceable value of my independence and the precious freedom this allows me. I simply had an unwavering belief in discovering lasting love, especially since my heart has always felt every emotion so deeply and with such complexity. I understand how to unpack feelings, to give them meaning and try my best to listen to others when called on to do so. I love to give of my time and my compassion and couldn’t be myself without these things. And yet, it seems as though asking for a hand to hold is somehow asking for too much.
My disability may or may not be the reason behind this. I know all too well though, that for years I haven’t been able to blame my once and a while loneliness on much else. So many times, I have wanted to ask if the way I am would keep someone from taking a chance with my heart, but refrained because I didn’t know whether or not I could trust in receiving honest answers. Believe it or not, there are those who appear to be of the opinion that my cerebral palsy means that I cannot handle the truth. It’s quite frustrating.
It’s a strange thing to watch time pass by while you’re still dreaming by the ocean, constantly wavering between hope and resolve. Giving in to reality is a rather difficult task for a dreamer. Love is complicated and I am not quite sure what to expect from it these days. I know that it has lead me down paths laced with pain and tortured me with the prospect of almost. It has forgotten me while refusing to be forgotten. It has tested my faith and my strength more than anything else.
Yes, I feel as though I am always the last one left, the girl unloved. And perhaps this is a selfish feeling, because I do have so much love in my life from family and friends. It is only that I have days like these, where I wonder if there will ever be anything else. Days I feel profoundly unloved. Whether these thoughts are accurate or not, that’s just how it is…