Tuesday Thoughts- March 24

The promise of spring usually brings me out of my brain funk. Over exhausted from over thinking, I stumble out of slumber with hopes of wonderful ideas that might come to me as if by magic. However, after around two months of a winter that just won’t quit, whether it’s storms or just ice and snow that blocks off almost every entry I could have to everyday life, I find myself at an impossible impasse. Where is my creativity hiding? And why doesn’t it want to stay in one place once little pieces of it have emerged?

Seasons are a tricky thing when it comes to my daily barrage through a web of words just waiting to exist. I feel as though every hour finds me in much of the same kind of stagnant mindset and my energy ebbs and flows between hopeless and desperate. I long for the days when the air was fresh and the sun was kind and the winds kept their thoughts to themselves as opposed to raging bitterly against weary bones when they dare to venture out if only to remember in some small way what it’s like to breathe in a refreshing and replenishing breath of what mother nature might have to offer.

But still, my ice prison mocks me. Still, the coldness holds fast with its grudge and locks in my thoughts that wrap around me with their iron fist of worry and spin through a cycle that was at first stuck on repeat for mere minutes but now takes up days that are desperate to see the end of the block in my mind without the change of environment. Not. Quite. Possible.

So here in a winter that is supposed to already have turned to spring days ago, I wait. I make a secret wish that my gratitude for the warmer days, once bold enough to grace me with their presence, will free me from my sickening lack of motivation and inspiration. C’mon, sweet elements. I’m tired. Of being. On pause.

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Curious Dreams

Curious dreams daring my heart

nonsensical questions beg it to start
Pondering the path and plot of sensory
they must have been trapped within mind’s mystery
I echo my words, their sounds remain apart
captured in strange worlds—do they mirror my heart?
Curious dreams, wavering to wave consuming feelings
induce such longings both to remain and depart…
Carrie Gilbert 2015

My Own Silence

My own silence
holds me to questions undefined
And when I break a delicate thought
screams deliver my mind
to the dark light that terrifies
My own silence pleads that I
purge the burned out flames so white
My own silence waits
keeping fear so quiet in the dawn
It holds my heart to compensate
with an obscene daydream this soul’s foolery waits on
Oh silence you won’t allow me to cry
as deep as this ocean that floods me
to overwhelming tumbling—violently crashing against the walls of weary inside
Sinking in my own silence, longing yet somehow delayed in wanting to break free…
Carrie Gilbert 2015 

Running From

Running from
this cold quiet mess inside my head
There’s too much to express
fear leaves such pains unsaid
Running from
these unmade plans I refuse to understand
I need to live, only to give
Don’t the tortured hands of time comprehend?
Running from
the joy with which, in my beautiful realm of despair
I never felt at ease, and so resisted to prepare
For if anything, aren’t I less
compared to more than enough? Hello again, quiet mess…
Out of my head
I’m still running from my part in this
still writing words unread…

Carrie Gilbert 2015